Did you ever see the movie Jesus Christ
Superstar? Great movie. I love that
movie. I wish organized religion were
more like that movie. Harmless hippie shit,
all singing and dancing. Plus, Jesus
and Judas both encore from the grave,
singing a duet. Fantastic. No one really
dies and everyone sings in key; perfect.
I was raised in a Catholic household. I
went to Catholic school for four years.
Technically, I still am a Catholic. I've
done all the rituals, the baptism, the
communion, the conformation, the supreme
ass licking. I was even an altar boy for
a short time until the accident.
Catholic school was bizarre. We all looked
like Mao's young pioneers dressed in our
little uniforms. We were real easy to
pick out of a crowd on field trips; we
were the ones the nuns were herding. Nuns.
Who grows up dreaming of becoming a nun?
In the old days, becoming a nun was
punishment, or banishment. Nuns are
sadistic old weirdos in Darth Vader costumes
that live for knocking the shit out of
young, impressionable minds.
Look at a textbook in a Catholic school if
you want to revisit Stalin's Russia. There
isn't much science going on in the science
book. Under evolution, see "God's Will."
The Periodic Table has a big angel
standing next to it, with a flaming sword.
There was so much religious dogma we had
to learn in Catholic school, shit I scarcely
need to know now as a rock-n-roller. Like
the Twelve Stations of the Cross; that's a
real Catholic thing. We had to memorize
all twelve fucking stations or our
fingernails were torn out by loving nuns,
in God's name. The Ten Commandments were
fairly easy, but the stations . . . I'm
sorry, I forget Christ fell on his left
knee before he turned the corner of the
second exit before the Pottery Barn . . .
so shoot me.
Confession was easy. I was such a fuck-up
I could confess for hours. I could even
lend other kids' sins so they wouldn't feel
awkward. I just didn't like the idea
of confession. It's not like the little
screen in the confessional is gonna hide
the fact that it is ME in there. By the
fourth grade, I was voted most likely to
be possessed.
Churches are meant to intimidate people.
I've been to cathedrals in Europe that
were downright scary. I didn't want to
spend my precious days off lurking in some
catacomb, gazing at the crypts. Yeah,
let's go to the crypt-town to see the
crypts. Acres of crypts. Bishops and
bakers and candlestick makers all immortalized
in ghastly yellow marble. There is even
a little series of hash marks on each crypt
for every witch burned.
But Catholicism isn't the only culprit. The
Jesuits were a pretty hardy lot. They
certainly turned in their monthly quota
of horror and misery, in God's name. As a
kid growing up in California, we were
taught to believe in the benevolent
Dominican Friar, Father Junipero Serra, and
his lovely missions. It's funny, my text
book clearly stated that the missions were
there to help the Indians, not enslave,
torture, and murder them. Yes, come work
for me, brother. Or die. Your choice.
When I toured the UK years ago, we played
a hall that also doubled as a school for
Muslim children. And I had a chance to
read some of the sit on their bulletin
board and it freaked me out. It seems that
non Muslim people, like you and I, are
really devils in disguise. You mustn't
talk to the devils or eat with them, this
sort of offended me. I am not a devil,
nearly devil-ish.
Rastafarians seem okay. They don't want to
burn people at the stake or cut off people's
hands for stealing. Bahai's seem cool.
Although their doctrine is a little vague.
The whole New Age thing is harmless, although
every Christian channel will tell you
otherwise. If some hippie chick thinks
that wearing a crystal necklace will ward
off herpes, so what? Burn some incense,
chant your ass off, I don't care.
Buddhism seems cool, but it's a bit deeper
than I want to go religiously speaking.
I don't need religion to chant, speaking in
tongues on ten beers in more my thing. Yes,
I can glossalize with the best of 'em.
For awhile I got off watching Christian TV.
"Scrutinize" the lyrics of heavy metal music.
They do have their own particular slant
on things. Years ago Judas Priest was the
Antichrist, now it's Manson. I admit he
is a little scary, but certainly not
Beelzebub.
When I toured with AC/DC in 1990, Christians
were protesting. And why? 'Cause of that
stupid (Highway to Hell) record cover.
Don't people have anything better to do with
their lives than stand out in front of
an arena touting religious slogans and
waving signs? Fuck, if you want to be truly
Christian, feed the poor, help the blind,
bake some bread into nice gospel shapes,
do something constructive.
As you know, I'm touring with DIO right now.
Back in his heyday, people thought he was
the Devil. Holy Diver, what does it really
mean? Does he want us to dive into Hell?
Does he want us to join him in his hellish
game? It's all right there in the lyrics,
plain as day; Ronnie Dio wants YOU to kill
your parents and remember Helter does not
have an A in it. So spell it right when
you smear your victim's blood on the wall,
in Ronnie's name. And mine, since I'm
touring with him and obviously under his
evil spell. The concessionaires are
damned as well, for selling beer and evil
Chipwiches and pentagram-shaped Twizzlers.
All these things go through your mind when
you're sitting in a van in Milwaukee, two
hours walk form any 7-11 or QuickStop. All
I want is a Diet Coke and some beef jerky
and an antidote to the beer I drank last night,
Oh, and a blow job, please.
Birds are singing, leaves are rustling,
Cordell just let go another Taco Bell fart,
the world is going according to plan. See
a show, drink a beer, forget about the
approaching Apocalypse, and the pollution,
and the senseless shootings, and the facts
that the rain forests are being cut down to
make room for cattle grazing to make the
Whopper you just stuffed in your mouth.
Some day, there will be no Whoppers, no
cows, no cars, no boob jobs, no Metal Edge,
no Union, no mother's pat on the back
when you do something good, no gigs, nothing.
Enjoy all while it lasts.
KING JIZZO